Tuesday, March 20, 2007

tuesday

I am just doing a bit of venting..............I have been good, I haven't cried for about 3 days now. Today I feel like I have to. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
It makes me mad that I feel this way. Gillian has obviously High Functioning Autism. There are ways to help kids when they are diagnosed early on and I can't understand why I sit here feeling so blah. I guess they say there is a "grieving period" and maybe this is it. I dunno. At any rate, I am hating this. I still have some unanswered questions-like how long is her treatment going to last, how many times am I going to have to trek to Loma Linda for her treatments ( around 30 min drive each way). Starting her on this new medicine has been a bit scary too. We are adjusting-and she has really slowed down. She takes naps! She hasn't done that in ages-thought I love having some quiet time, it sort of freaks me out. I am sure that will go away as we all adjust around here.
I have been doing lots of reading about this-the more I read, the more it makes sense that she has this. I spoke to someone who used to come out here and evaluate her every few months (since she was a preemie) and she was actually surprised to hear the news. I had to tell her other things have arisen since her being exited from that particular program. The school district was shocked that she was even exited. At that point I got angry about it. I have wondered if she wasn't exited where she would be at right now. But, alas, I can't dwell on that too much.
One thing this whole entire thing has done for me, is to have more patience. For about 2 years I have been beyond frustrated. I knew there was something wrong, but didn't know what.
Even though the thought was in my mind that there WAS a possibility she could have this, to actually hear it was so painful. In my dreams last night and the night before it just replayed everything, and I was feverishly trying to get her this help she needs. That is probably why I am so tired right now.
I just don't want to do anything. I was really good last week and did my normal stuff, even after getting the news. But yesterday and today-I feel like doing nothing but resting. I dunno, maybe that is just what I need.

3 comments:

chipblue57 said...

Bless your heart Kristy! I think there are some things going on and they are:

1. Learning that Gillian has any type of autism is difficult for any parent to learn. I know you must feel sadness at what this means for her and what it means for you as her parents.

2. There is the question of the unknown in the future. You have questions that you can't get answers for and need those answers.

3. I think you are angry becasue it has taken this long to find out that Gillian has autism. It seems like you have been fighting the unknown for some time.

4. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You need to give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself.

5. I think it would do you a world of good to have a little time to yourself. I know that you are getting a little time with Gillian sleeping but I mean time to yourself...

Hang in there Kristy. You are in my prayers. Things will get better but give it time. If you have to take one hour at a time then that is what is needed. Be kind to yourself.

((((((Kristy)))))

Debi

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. It's ok to cry when you need to. If I know anything about life it's that nothing ever stays the same. These dark days will pass, and the sun will shine again.

audrey h. said...

I wish i knew something that could make you feel better...i just never have the right words. I will keep you and precious little Gillian in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.