tuesday

I am just doing a bit of venting..............I have been good, I haven't cried for about 3 days now. Today I feel like I have to. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
It makes me mad that I feel this way. Gillian has obviously High Functioning Autism. There are ways to help kids when they are diagnosed early on and I can't understand why I sit here feeling so blah. I guess they say there is a "grieving period" and maybe this is it. I dunno. At any rate, I am hating this. I still have some unanswered questions-like how long is her treatment going to last, how many times am I going to have to trek to Loma Linda for her treatments ( around 30 min drive each way). Starting her on this new medicine has been a bit scary too. We are adjusting-and she has really slowed down. She takes naps! She hasn't done that in ages-thought I love having some quiet time, it sort of freaks me out. I am sure that will go away as we all adjust around here.
I have been doing lots of reading about this-the more I read, the more it makes sense that she has this. I spoke to someone who used to come out here and evaluate her every few months (since she was a preemie) and she was actually surprised to hear the news. I had to tell her other things have arisen since her being exited from that particular program. The school district was shocked that she was even exited. At that point I got angry about it. I have wondered if she wasn't exited where she would be at right now. But, alas, I can't dwell on that too much.
One thing this whole entire thing has done for me, is to have more patience. For about 2 years I have been beyond frustrated. I knew there was something wrong, but didn't know what.
Even though the thought was in my mind that there WAS a possibility she could have this, to actually hear it was so painful. In my dreams last night and the night before it just replayed everything, and I was feverishly trying to get her this help she needs. That is probably why I am so tired right now.
I just don't want to do anything. I was really good last week and did my normal stuff, even after getting the news. But yesterday and today-I feel like doing nothing but resting. I dunno, maybe that is just what I need.