Friday, September 30, 2011

art journal page out of frustration

Its been a really hard week. This homeschooling has finally got to me.............I just don't think I can do it anymore.  We have an Autism class here locally so I am going to seriously look into it.  In all this, I am losing myself. I just don't get the opportunity to do all I want anymore.  Things that help define me as a person, not just as a mother of a special needs child. I find myself thinking of how happy I used to be-I used to spend hours doing art when she was at school (before they started calling me for EVERY LITTLE THING). At the end of the day, I felt fulfilled, being I had done something I loved every day.  I LONG for that.  Now my day consists of caring for her every day, all day.  Everytime I sit and try to do something, she needs something , and takes me out of my zone.  I know that first and foremost, I am her mom.  I am well aware of that. But aside from that , with homeschooling I am losing myself. 
This page was created today out of that frustration.  I am going through so many emotions right now. I want her to be successful in her life. She is very high functioning thank goodness, and I count my lucky stars for that.  But is it selfish of me to want to take care of myself?  That is how I feel :(  Its really tough, and making this decision (because I feel guilty) is soooooooooooo much harder than it was when I decided to homeschool. sigh.

5 comments:

Valerie H. Wilson said...

Hi Kristy...
Be strong. By taking care of yourself, you will be more balanced and will ultimately be able to take better care for her when you are together. By caring for your self, you are also setting one of the most important examples she will ever learn. Have faith... it will all work out.
Kind regards,
Val :)

Lisa Gallup said...

Oh, Kristy, I so understand your frustration! The only reasons I was able to continue with homeschooling some semesters is because 1) my kids wanted it, and 2) I honestly felt called by God to do it. But you are right....there is zero "me" time. I viewed homeschooling as my "job." It was what I had to get up and do everyday because of the long term prize I had my eyes on. My youngest was VERY difficult to homeschool. She has a learning disability and was highly emotional and stubborn. I really wasn't able to do "my" stuff until they were both in high school, and even then it was limited. I took advantage of times when they were at playdates or in a class or group somewhere.I hope you can work out a balance of some sort. Homeschooling is a HUGE sacrifice, but I don't regret one moment of it. (((hugs))) Email me if you ever need to talk!!

Cath Wilson said...

Brilliant page and really succinct - poor you, Kristy. Things will get better. Just love her x

Mary said...

i do not believe you are being selfish in wanting...needing time for yourself. could you maybe plan specific times for just you...maybe when someone else is there to help...then you know you have those times that are just for you when things get hard...

Shelly Schmidt said...

I read a story about a woman with a special needs child. She was frustrated in the lack of understanding of her- even if people try....she said it was like being on a bus with everyone else- and everyone gets off the bus at a stop and she is all alone on the bus..... Bless you!!!